teenage years.

Being a teenager. How to explain it? Plagued by pregnancy scares and constantly trying to find something to do (no sexual innuendo intended). Constantly updating your music library in an attempt to have the freshest Zune. (iPods are for fools) Not sure if everyone's teenage years are like mine, so I guess I'll have to fill you all in. Moments of pure bliss and moments of utter depression. Honestly, if you're a teenager in this area, you have nothing to bitch about. You still live under your parent's roof and you live in one of the top five wealthiest counties in the nation. If you turn out emo, it's honestly your fault.

Socialize. If you eat lunch in the library, you are a fool. Throughout my high school career, I've seen plenty of fatties and socially awkward kids in the cafeteria. I've played countless hours of tetris and blockles, and I've still managed to surround myself with friends. Sure, it's your teenage years, when you're trying to find yourself. But you don't have to do it by yourself. On a side note, why is everyone going to UPenn? Back to the post, I remember rejoicing and literally praising God whenever my current girlfriend had her period. Now that I think about it, the majority of my relationships were complete bullshit. Everytime my girlfriend at the time had her period, I would ride on that high for at least a week or two, thus giving me the worst possible reason to elongate that relationship.

Speaking of girlfriends, whenever I wanted to break up with a girl, I'd always wait until I could find a potential rebound or hook-up. So girls, if you feel your relationship fizzling out, break up FIRST. Because I know I wasn't the only high-school guy that did that. Actually, beware of all guys, they only want one thing and one thing only. And that's a girl that can clean.

So keep your guard up ladies. The other half of teenage life besides girls was trying to find something to do. I feel like the only reason I've become intoxicated was because there was nothing else to do. Being young AND having a suspended license led to a lot of down time. But now I'm a grown ass man, I've found other things to do. My friend and I tried to juggle today for an hour and a half. That's dedication. After playing ball, we had nothing to do since we had no money to buy certain recreational substances that teenagers like to partake in. Somehow, we ended up trying to learn how to juggle. Since I'm an uncoordinated scrub, I kept switching what I was using to juggle in an attempt to try to facilitate the process. First, I used cigarette packs, switched over to mini contact solution bottles, then used barbell weight holders, and finally ended up using plastic bags. I actually should go upstairs and clean up the mess. My parents are going to wake up in the morning and find three cigarette packs, three mini contact solution bottles, three barbell weight holders, and three plastic bags scattered all over the living room. I really doubt they're going to believe I was juggling all night.. I bet they'd rather me smoke some bud than juggle all night. What a loser.. Anyhoo. Being a teenager really isn't that hard, just be yourself and make an attempt to socialize.

What's on my mind:

There's no shortage of baby pictures online.

World Series of Poker is the shit.

"bad time to be a cloud right now. there's so much cloud bashing on facebook." - jay az son. word. if there's a meteor shower get the fuck out clouds.

hello hello.

So I guess I've been slacking in these blog posts. So I'll try to make this post as substantial as I can just in case I hit another binge of laziness.

Long Distance Relationships - I really don't get how these work. Being in a relationship where I see my girl everyday is hard enough as it is. I'm not hating on anyone in a long distance relationship but honestly it seems so fake and lacking of substance. My girlfriend was in Korea for a month and I thought I was going to kill myself.

I love my girl to death but honestly after writing her about four sappy over-elongated letters I realized how dumb it was. Honestly, Stephanie Myers I don't know how you wrote four books about such a sappy vampire relationship. I applaud you though, now you're rolling in the dough. Anyhoo, to me, being in a long distance relationship is the same as being in a relationship in jail. Still not hating on relationships in jail but any relationship sans physical contact is not the relationship for me.

Also if you've been to jail and you're bragging about it, I've got two things for you.

1)You're not cool.
2)You're retarded.

Time for some theories of mine.
COPS: Cops seem to punk bitch ass high school kids to teach them a lesson, always give them shit no matter what. Why you ask? Because their punishment won't be as harsh as those of an adult. So learn your lesson and don't do stupid shit out in public. Smoke your weed at home, heat up your crack rock in the comforts of your basement, speed race at home on that Need 4 Speed, and act your damn age.

BOOTY: I don't know any guy out there that doesn't turn and stare when a big ol' ass walks by. This is to warn all you guys about the dangers of booty. It seems to have some sort of hypnotic effect on guys. So girls, if you're tripping about this phenomena step your game up or sit your ass down and join your man and stare in awe of the glorious ass that just walked by.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT: Fuck that. Take this as a word of warning. I've always loved a challenge. Well, not always, I'll be the first to admit that I've gone out with a whole bushelful of skeezes. Anyhoo, learn from me that opposites most definitely do not attract. After weeks or maybe even months of trying to seduce your ideal "opposite" girl, you'll hopefully be successful in getting with her. Sure, you'll be ecstatic that you've bagged your ideal girl, because surely opposites attract and you'll be riding that high for maybe a week TOPS. After that you'll realize that your girl is way too different and you'll be wanting to hang yourself like Chris Benoit. RIP. But if you do find yourself in a healthy relationship with someone who is the complete opposite of you, then kudos to you. But, God knows that mine never worked out.

Anecdote time: I went to go get my hair cut the other day and I told the asian lady "Make it look cool." Not that hard of a demand right? She has a license to cut hair, so it shouldn't be that hard to make me look cool, since I'm already handsome as shit. Another thing, every "hair technician" in there had that fob mullet, so I was already skeptical, but I was already there, so I was like what's the worst that can happen.

Everyone seriously looked like her, but 20 years older.

I went in there looking slum as shit, but it's the summer, I don't need to look fresh. So back to the story. She cut like half a centimeter of my hair off. So in my head, I'm like "the fuck?" So I just tell her I want to get it buzzed. She looks at me like I just told her to suck my dick. So I just said cut it short all the way around. So then she proceeds to cut my hair again, but she gives me a buzz cut that's like two inches long. So I told her to cut it again shorter. So then she proceeds to cut it again. Finally, I have my hair cut.

Moral of the story: Don't go to a Korean barber shop UNLESS you speak fluent Korean.
Don't trust ANYONE with a she-mullet.
If you don't like the way your hair is getting cut, don't say anything until the very end. At the end of the day, I got three full haircuts. Get at me.

Sorry I could only find two places to put baby pitures to fit within my post.

On a side note, orange juice with pulp is the worst.

girls.

If you're just like me, then you've always been able to find something wrong with the latest girl that you're infatuated in. Girls just seem to come and go, like a see-saw. One gets on, rides for a while, hops off, then another hops on. Whoa/ crazy sexual innuendo, but really not intended.

See, this kid knows what I'm talking about. He's like "Bitch get off." She's like "Just kidding right?"

Every time I'm with a girl, it's always fun as shit for a month or two. And then I start to get bored, and try to find anything negative about her so I have a reason ready in case I want to bail. Pretty soon, I just want out of the relationship and just leave. Almost every girl I've broken up with, I've never talked to after the dumpage(couldn't think of a better word). It's weird, but it's necessary. I have to put up a fake front to make the ex think I'm better off now and I have some weird resentment towards her.

Prime example right here.

So she's almost always confused and hurt, and doesn't want to talk to me ever again, or she's angry and bitter, and still doesn't want to talk to me ever again. So either way, it's a win-win situation.

Both of these pictures are acceptable for the condition the girl should be left in after the dumpage. If your ex does not always look like this for at least a week, you have failed miserably.

I hope I'm not the only one like this. But, I know that every guy gets bored sooner or later; whether it be two weeks later or two years later. It's all the same in the end. So how do you find someone you're really going to be with forever? Just like Pikachu and Ash? How do you form an unbreakable bond with someone without having to go through a wild ass Pokemon adventure since you were 10? (Pokemone trivia// get at me bitch.)


Hope you enjoyed all the pictures of little kids. I find that pictures of little kids elicit more feeling than pictures of adults. It's true, just think about it sukka fries. In case you haven't seen these videos, these are by far the funniest Jon & Kate dating parody videos.


Way off on a tangent, LOOK! Jon Gosselin's hip now. I don't mean to bag on him or anything, since I'm not even going to act like I know what's happening. All I know is, his kids are ridiculously cute. But yeah, Jon's cool now. He's smoking and it looks like his hair's coming back! In case you haven't seen these videos, these are by far the funniest Jon & Kate dating parody videos.

blogtest.

This is really what's up.

I'm having a blogtest with my friend. And for those who are a wee bit slow, a blogtest is the ultimate blog contest. You win by getting as many RANDOM subscribers as you can. I have no set plan on how to win this, but just try not to be offended by my posts. I decided that most of my posts are going to be about ideas I've had while my altitude was way above sea level. All I've got to do is remember them.. Easier said than done.

Amusing little anecdote.

I woke up at 1:20 PM because I had to poop. I was freeballing, so there was no dilemna pulling my boxers down and whatnot. Besides freeballing is the ish. Anyhoo, I'm burnt out and feeling the effects of the Roor from last night. I finally finish pooping my morning meatball bombs, per usual, when I notice that my pee-pee got a little splashback on it from the doo-doo bombs. So I proceed to wipe my dick dry, but I forgot to wipe my butt. I'm halfway back on my bed when I realized that I forgot to wipe my butt-hole. (I feel like I used so many hyphens in this..) So I gingerly tip-toed back to the bathroom, no need to explain why. Besides, I have carpet, not hardwood floor; way harder to clean. Turns out I had no doo-doo residue on my bung-hole. Either my doo-doo is mad clean, or Jesus loves me. Evidently, both are true.

Just a sample of what's to come, my friends. I can tell the fredship is growing.

fred·ship

Pronounciation: \ˈfre(d)-ˌship\

Function: noun

Date: 21 century

1: the state of being friends with fred park